Archive for June, 2008

PLAY IN GAME 128/129 Match, Just Say No Bracket

June 18, 2008

32.5 Akira v. 32.5 Planes Trains & Automobiles

Well It’s finally that time. I think all of us have been trying to avoid this matchup, because it’s really there as a novelty and a nod to the retards who made our brackets harder to fill out every march for bball. Of course, the competitors will call this a “First Round Matchup” so as not to downplay the match. But the winner faces Breakfast Club, one of 2 films to get a perfect score during our seeding meetings, and obviously doesn’t stand a chance in hell of advancing. But forget all that.

Yup. I have no clue what the hell is going on either. I am going to watch this movie without any dubbing or subtitles, the way it was intended to be watched. I figure there are enough explosions, mechanically impossible motorcycles, and zombie children to keep my attention, and think I might actually be less confused if I don’t know what the frick anyone is saying. Plus, I’ll pay better attention to the anime nudity I’m sure is spackled throughout this piece, and vow to also let you readers know the exact times when such nudity occurs. I know, I need help.

BFFs

And now enters two 80s greats that have yet to see the throwdown. Look at the leering glance here, the chemistry, the love, the tension, I could ramble on about this picture and its backstory for hours alone. And we’re going to get to watch 93 riveting minutes of John Candy bumbling around and hanging with a polka troop, while Steve Martin plays the straight man, the wrong-place/wrong-time character done correctly before Ben Stiller fucked it all up. The only bad part about this movie? I’m going to watch a lovable loser in John Candy, but I’m really going to be thinking about his untimely demise.

What’s it gonna be? Perhaps the first real Anime movie that started an entire industry? Or the buddy comedy of all buddy comedies, spanning not 1, not 2, but 3 different modes of transportation? And a side note, if it were filmed today, would the movie be called Hovercraft, Hybrids, and Segways? And is it obvious I just figured out how to autolink pictures?

– #5

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Just Say No Round 1 – Hunting an alien in the Central American jungle vs. Hunting for treasure in the South American jungle

June 15, 2008

Predator 12 v. Romancing the Stone 21

It kills for pleasure, it hunts for sport, but this time, it picked the wrong man.

What do you get when you send two future governors and Apollo Creed into the depths of the Central American jungle to fight an interstellar alien creature? The answer to that question comes in the form of possibly the greatest of all handshakes in the history of American cinema…

…as well as an 80’s movie that has withheld the test of time and a series of sequels and crossover films.

What’s that you say? You haven’t had enough Michael Douglas yet in this 80’s throwdown? Well that is about to be remedied. Thus far in the throwdown we have watched Douglas in his roles as a sex-craving lawyer and a money-craving stock and real estate speculator. Now it is time to see Douglas in Romancing the Stone as a razmataz swashbuckling opportunist pitted with the 80s sexy Kathleen Turner as they encounter adventure at each corner. The really question will be if Romancing’s watchability will trump Predator’s fast paced testosterone filled guns and blood.

Just look at this movie poster above. Clearly this movie is packed with adventure in many many forms including swinging from ropes in sunlit canyons. If you like robust adventurers with shit-eating grins while they stare straight into the eyes of danger while leggy blonds hold on tight for dear life then this might possibly be the movie for you.

– Kobra Kai

Nice Mustache Nick, But Flying Cars Are Just Way Too Cool.

June 2, 2008

It looks a little something like this:

Livin' on the edge

Because Harrison is clinging to the edge, both as a metaphor for how ridiculously old he is (seriously, he sounded like the black death in Indiana Jones 4), and for how he pulled off this victory. We literally spent more time discussing where Venkman was when we needed to count his vote (answer: he was on the highway driving 95 mph while texting) than what our tally was. So, Blade runner won by a count of 3-to-a-strenuously-objecting-1, with Noonan declaring from the mountaintops that Blade Runner had no “watchability” or “re-watchability” or “pre-watchability” or some crap. I say: flying cars=easy win, end of story.

So end of story, in fact, that instead of details of the 4 minute vote and discussion, I’m instead going to talk about another recent film I watched with Harrison as the lead, namely Indiana Jones 4, or rather
How George Lucas and Steven Spielberg Managed to Skull Rape the Only Good Trilogy Left. Review of this abomination to follow.

I hate movies

***WARNING SPOILERS BELOW DO NOT READ IF YOU WANT TO WATCH THIS PIECE OF SHIT MOVIE***

We return to the saga of Indiana Jones, the once dashing and resourceful professor by day and priceless artifact adventurer by night. What’s he been doing since we last saw him melt some Nazis with the cup of Christ? Why he’s been working for the U.S. Army as a decorated secret agent of course. HUH!?!?! Indiana Jones does not care about the cause of one nation, and his only interest in war is what rare nickel osmosium plated shrapnel he can find on the intricately tatooed ass of the last of seven brothers sworn to protect the sacred tomb of Atatum Kamen. Apparently, he gave up all of that to work for the military as a spy, and now against the Ruskies of all folks. The red army is headed by a clairvoyant psychiatrist/archaeologist bent on knowing the secret of a certain artifact (I’m ok with this part so far). Never mind the fact that Indy survives an atomic blast by jumping into a fridge (cars and houses exploded to nothing, but that fridge was American made baby!), the artifact itself is what troubles me.

*Deep Breath*. The item that holds true power and could control the fate of the world as we know it is the crystal quartz skull of an interdimentional humanlike alien from 2000 years ago that ruled the Mayans and made them build the temples full of riches in places they knew would be torn to bits once they all sat in the proper places. The skull of the alien is super magnetic (but only when the plot so requires), causes you to go insane, gives you the ability to read minds and also become omnipotent (but that kills you), helps you find places you were a few weeks ago before going insane, and eventually opens an interdimentional gate that apparently knew it would be closed when one of the skulls was stolen. Now I guess the skulls were always there, but ancient thieves stole one, which is now in the hands of our new comic relief crackpot sidekick, and they have to put it back, so the skeletons can zoom back to their own world, which they were not in for some reason before. Yeah, I know, there really isn’t a purpose, shut up and watch the movie…he just has to take the shiny thing and put it back in the booby-trapped place, right? Oh no, even that’s not enough.

We also add in his past love, and apparently a son who is *gasp!* an “I don’t do what others tell me” resourceful kid who likes adventure. Of course, Indy doesn’t know it’s his kid, and though he hasn’t spoken to Marion in what must be 20 years, they of course fall back in love instantly and are married. He should give a seminar on how to get a chick pregnant, split, then get her back once the kid no longer can draw child support from the government seminars.

In an early scene, Indy sits at his desk with photographs of Marcus and his father, who are explained to have passed away in the past year. I can only pray that Indy’s photo joins them, because if our favorite heroes from 20 years ago can keep being “reborn” and “remastered” and “rebooted” over and over, then original thought is truly over and I’m going to kill myself.

***End of my spoiler of the movie that spoils half of my childhood***

– #5