Archive for the ‘Just Say No’ Category

Beer Over Liquor

July 20, 2008

In an extremely scientific poll, 3 out of 4 80s throwdown voters prefer beer over liquor. They also apparently prefer Canada over Jamaica and dudes over Elizabeth Shue’s boobs …. wait, can I change my vote?

Despite the presence of Elizabeth Shue, Cocktail, the chalk, couldn’t hold off those crazy Canadians Bob and Doug MacKenzie and Strange Brew, #23 in the Just Say No bracket, pulled off the upset and will face the winner of Dirty Rotten Scoundrels and Cinema Paradiso in Round Two (to take place in 2014).

What makes Strange Brew so special? I’ll let the Canadians themselves fill you in:


PLAY IN GAME 128/129 Match, Just Say No Bracket

June 18, 2008

32.5 Akira v. 32.5 Planes Trains & Automobiles

Well It’s finally that time. I think all of us have been trying to avoid this matchup, because it’s really there as a novelty and a nod to the retards who made our brackets harder to fill out every march for bball. Of course, the competitors will call this a “First Round Matchup” so as not to downplay the match. But the winner faces Breakfast Club, one of 2 films to get a perfect score during our seeding meetings, and obviously doesn’t stand a chance in hell of advancing. But forget all that.

Yup. I have no clue what the hell is going on either. I am going to watch this movie without any dubbing or subtitles, the way it was intended to be watched. I figure there are enough explosions, mechanically impossible motorcycles, and zombie children to keep my attention, and think I might actually be less confused if I don’t know what the frick anyone is saying. Plus, I’ll pay better attention to the anime nudity I’m sure is spackled throughout this piece, and vow to also let you readers know the exact times when such nudity occurs. I know, I need help.


And now enters two 80s greats that have yet to see the throwdown. Look at the leering glance here, the chemistry, the love, the tension, I could ramble on about this picture and its backstory for hours alone. And we’re going to get to watch 93 riveting minutes of John Candy bumbling around and hanging with a polka troop, while Steve Martin plays the straight man, the wrong-place/wrong-time character done correctly before Ben Stiller fucked it all up. The only bad part about this movie? I’m going to watch a lovable loser in John Candy, but I’m really going to be thinking about his untimely demise.

What’s it gonna be? Perhaps the first real Anime movie that started an entire industry? Or the buddy comedy of all buddy comedies, spanning not 1, not 2, but 3 different modes of transportation? And a side note, if it were filmed today, would the movie be called Hovercraft, Hybrids, and Segways? And is it obvious I just figured out how to autolink pictures?

– #5

Just Say No Round 1 – Hunting an alien in the Central American jungle vs. Hunting for treasure in the South American jungle

June 15, 2008

Predator 12 v. Romancing the Stone 21

It kills for pleasure, it hunts for sport, but this time, it picked the wrong man.

What do you get when you send two future governors and Apollo Creed into the depths of the Central American jungle to fight an interstellar alien creature? The answer to that question comes in the form of possibly the greatest of all handshakes in the history of American cinema…

…as well as an 80’s movie that has withheld the test of time and a series of sequels and crossover films.

What’s that you say? You haven’t had enough Michael Douglas yet in this 80’s throwdown? Well that is about to be remedied. Thus far in the throwdown we have watched Douglas in his roles as a sex-craving lawyer and a money-craving stock and real estate speculator. Now it is time to see Douglas in Romancing the Stone as a razmataz swashbuckling opportunist pitted with the 80s sexy Kathleen Turner as they encounter adventure at each corner. The really question will be if Romancing’s watchability will trump Predator’s fast paced testosterone filled guns and blood.

Just look at this movie poster above. Clearly this movie is packed with adventure in many many forms including swinging from ropes in sunlit canyons. If you like robust adventurers with shit-eating grins while they stare straight into the eyes of danger while leggy blonds hold on tight for dear life then this might possibly be the movie for you.

– Kobra Kai

Just Say No Round 1: Girl people inexplicably thought was attractive versus Detective John McClane

May 5, 2008

#16 Pretty in Pink v. #17 Die Hard

I know, I know. That’s not Molly Ringwald, or even a Pretty in Pink promo poster! Well, allow me to explain. We’re going to be watching a lot of movies during this thing. A LOT of movies. And we’re, hopefully, going to give each movie a fair shake, and approach each with an open mind. That said, in the interests of full disclosure, I will say I hate Molly Ringwald. I hate her with a passion. In Breakfast Club, another high ranking movie infected by this 80s Ginger, she plays the seminal 80s Princess/Cheerleader (well this is probably the seminal 80s cheerleader, but whatever, bear with me). Yeah. Fucking. Right. Everyone knows that cheerleaders look like this, and not this. Beyond that, I guess I never liked her because her name sounds like “ringworm.” So let’s see…an unattractive ginger wanna-be cheerleader that sounds like a fungal infection? You had me at unattractive, meowwwwww!

But after such a bashing, how can I remain objective? Well, I can overlook Ringwald, because there are good things about this movie: John Hughes, for one. Second, it’s a classic look at how rough and terrifying high school can be. It also has an underrated 80s power team in Andrew McCarthy and James Spader. How so, you ask? The two team up in another well-known 80s movie, Mannequin, which I lobbied for, but sadly didn’t make the cut. Big mistake, in my opinion:

Anyway, yeah Pretty in Pink. I’m going in with an open mind, but I thought I should get my feelings for Molly Ringworm on the table. And by the way, sorry for the pictures of her in those links. Cleanse your pallet with this (SFW, don’t worry).

For many of us, 1988’s Die Hard stands out as Reginald VelJohnson’s greatest work. Personally, I think that is like trying to name Michael Jordan’s greatest highlight: when you’re routinely operating at a level head and shoulders above the competition, no one play defines you. Such is Reginald “Reggie” VelJohnson’s career. Some people think of “Family Matters” as the height of his career, but to those people I say: Fuck you, people. Everyone knows Die Hard is where it’s at for the RVJ love, followed closely by his out of character role as a law enforcement officer in Turner and Hooch. His range is incredible. Don’t believe me? I’d point you to Tales from the Crypt “Werewolf Concerto” in which he played “Hotel Guest.” This guy can do it all. So for me, Die Hard is really a celebration of the Hollywood flame that burned too bright, Reginald VelJohnson.

Also, there is a fleeting 80s star named Bruce Willis in this, and he curses a lot, walks on glass, and shoots a bunch of Germans. Fun for the whole family!

Dr. Venkman

Jast Say No: Strange Brew (#23) vs. Cocktail (#10)

May 3, 2008

So what’s your preference – a fresh and tasty mixed drink or maybe a nice cold beer? How about some Jamican Rum, maybe? Or how ‘boot a Molson, eh? Our first matchup from the Just Say No bracket – an all-alcohol extravaganza – will answer all those questions.

In this corner we have the 1983 release, Strange Brew. The hosers in this film weren’t much different from the rest of us – always in search of more beer.

Though Strange Brew only grossed about $8.5 million domestically for its theater run, it definitely developed a cult following. And it provided my friends and I much more fodder with which to make fun of Canadians and their silly style of pronunciation.

Battling Strange Brew will be the 1988 film Cocktail, in which Tom Cruise provided the inspiration for bartenders worldwide to flip bottles and recite poetry — can I just have my goddamn drink already? This will be the first of numerous appearances for both Tom Cruise and Elizabeth Shue in this 80s throwdown.

As Couglin would say: Drink or be gone. One of these films will be the latter after this matchup.

– Noonan