Posts Tagged ‘nic cage’

Nice Mustache Nick, But Flying Cars Are Just Way Too Cool.

June 2, 2008

It looks a little something like this:

Livin' on the edge

Because Harrison is clinging to the edge, both as a metaphor for how ridiculously old he is (seriously, he sounded like the black death in Indiana Jones 4), and for how he pulled off this victory. We literally spent more time discussing where Venkman was when we needed to count his vote (answer: he was on the highway driving 95 mph while texting) than what our tally was. So, Blade runner won by a count of 3-to-a-strenuously-objecting-1, with Noonan declaring from the mountaintops that Blade Runner had no “watchability” or “re-watchability” or “pre-watchability” or some crap. I say: flying cars=easy win, end of story.

So end of story, in fact, that instead of details of the 4 minute vote and discussion, I’m instead going to talk about another recent film I watched with Harrison as the lead, namely Indiana Jones 4, or rather
How George Lucas and Steven Spielberg Managed to Skull Rape the Only Good Trilogy Left. Review of this abomination to follow.

I hate movies

***WARNING SPOILERS BELOW DO NOT READ IF YOU WANT TO WATCH THIS PIECE OF SHIT MOVIE***

We return to the saga of Indiana Jones, the once dashing and resourceful professor by day and priceless artifact adventurer by night. What’s he been doing since we last saw him melt some Nazis with the cup of Christ? Why he’s been working for the U.S. Army as a decorated secret agent of course. HUH!?!?! Indiana Jones does not care about the cause of one nation, and his only interest in war is what rare nickel osmosium plated shrapnel he can find on the intricately tatooed ass of the last of seven brothers sworn to protect the sacred tomb of Atatum Kamen. Apparently, he gave up all of that to work for the military as a spy, and now against the Ruskies of all folks. The red army is headed by a clairvoyant psychiatrist/archaeologist bent on knowing the secret of a certain artifact (I’m ok with this part so far). Never mind the fact that Indy survives an atomic blast by jumping into a fridge (cars and houses exploded to nothing, but that fridge was American made baby!), the artifact itself is what troubles me.

*Deep Breath*. The item that holds true power and could control the fate of the world as we know it is the crystal quartz skull of an interdimentional humanlike alien from 2000 years ago that ruled the Mayans and made them build the temples full of riches in places they knew would be torn to bits once they all sat in the proper places. The skull of the alien is super magnetic (but only when the plot so requires), causes you to go insane, gives you the ability to read minds and also become omnipotent (but that kills you), helps you find places you were a few weeks ago before going insane, and eventually opens an interdimentional gate that apparently knew it would be closed when one of the skulls was stolen. Now I guess the skulls were always there, but ancient thieves stole one, which is now in the hands of our new comic relief crackpot sidekick, and they have to put it back, so the skeletons can zoom back to their own world, which they were not in for some reason before. Yeah, I know, there really isn’t a purpose, shut up and watch the movie…he just has to take the shiny thing and put it back in the booby-trapped place, right? Oh no, even that’s not enough.

We also add in his past love, and apparently a son who is *gasp!* an “I don’t do what others tell me” resourceful kid who likes adventure. Of course, Indy doesn’t know it’s his kid, and though he hasn’t spoken to Marion in what must be 20 years, they of course fall back in love instantly and are married. He should give a seminar on how to get a chick pregnant, split, then get her back once the kid no longer can draw child support from the government seminars.

In an early scene, Indy sits at his desk with photographs of Marcus and his father, who are explained to have passed away in the past year. I can only pray that Indy’s photo joins them, because if our favorite heroes from 20 years ago can keep being “reborn” and “remastered” and “rebooted” over and over, then original thought is truly over and I’m going to kill myself.

***End of my spoiler of the movie that spoils half of my childhood***

– #5